from Thursday, December 10th, 2008

And what of longing...

Sometimes what I desire is exactly what I have - and I am so thankful for those times. Even now, I have a granny smith apple and I'm excited about it - 'cause it's what I want, really.

There are so many other times that I long for things I don't have - and if they happen to be material, I beat myself up for not being "spiritual" enough and convince myself I have to read my Bible more and pray more and then these carnal feelings will go away...

I will tell Him that I know He will satisfy my longings and acknowledge that only He can. But then, I wonder - if He loves me so much, why doesn't He? There are still things I want in my heart that won't go away - even with all my attempts at renouncing them and "laying them at the foot of the cross" - (what does that mean, anyway?)

But who would I be without longing? Who would any of us be?

We'd stall.

We have an eternity to see our desires fulfilled - but what would happen if before we got there we stopped longing?

I think I still have to check my desires - see what's behind them.

But I'll not beat myself up for longing.

I will not silence it - would that not be to murder my heart?

And isn't that what He wants from me - my heart?

from Monday, December 29th, 2009

So, living in eternity - separate from time, where there is no night...... Does it mean that any task, or anything we have to do will be done without interruption? Once begun, it will be completed. Will we never leave off a project saying - "I wish I had more time." Or be forced to part company only having scratched the surface of friendship?

from Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

So, I wonder who will be present as I emerge from the Big Sad that has so long been a part of my life. Do I already know the characters? - though I couldn't be certain of the part they'll play.

For there will be an emergence.

A victory of sorts - discovering what it is to lay hold of what is really life and not merely survive.

Disclaimer

** I was once a very sad girl. I would no longer use the words sad or lonely to describe myself. The emergence has long since begun:) **

from Thursday, December 25th, 2008

And so, what if we let go of thinking we know people and started letting them show us who they are.

I wonder, how can you ever really know someone? Maybe you can't, fully... But this is not a cause for lament - it's actually more a cause for excitement. An opportunity to always learn more. Not that you can't attain a certain level of comfortableness (my word ?) with another - but too much comfort is an enemy of the soul perhaps.

It was only when I started to let go of my stringently held beliefs about God that I began to learn who He really is.