from January 6, 2010

So, I was wondering what the world would look like if we were all living to our full potential - then I figured it would probably look a lot like heaven....

from Saturday, October 20, 2007

Last night was beautiful. I was walking home from Angie's just after 10pm and it was so warm and clear, I headed over to the beach.

A half moom was up - but you could still see more stars than in any small town. There was a warm breeze coming off the lake, and when you could only smell the water and sand, and not the wet leaves on the ground, you'd think it was a cool summer night.

I could see Foymount lit up over to my left, and every once in a while, a hint of head lights driving over the Wilno hills to my right. And a steady pathway of waves, lit by the moon coming towards me.

The wind and waves were enough to block out the sound of the few late night travelers passing behind me on the highway. I sat there for almost an hour, until the wind was a little too cool against my skin.

What a beautiful God.

How amazing that the God who created all the beauty that surrounded me is closer than the stars, closer than the wind against my face - that He's alive in me. Will I ever really get a hold of what that means?

How amazing that He uses me to bless people half-way around the world - without them ever knowing it's me - just by bringing them to my mind as I pray.

It is in those times, like last night, that I KNOW that He is all I need. It is in those times that I KNOW that He has all of my heart - and though some times I try to take a little piece back, He gently reminds me that I've given it to Him. He will take care of my heart like none other ever could - I'm so thankful that I've finally yielded it to Him. So thankful that in the past year He's opened me to Himself so that I could make that decision.

How amazing that in all the beauty that is around me - it is ME that He died for. It is me that He longs to be close to.

Last night I felt like I was sneaking away to spend time with a friend that you try to steal away with every chance you get. Sorta like a new romance.

Who knew that this heart would love Him as it does?

He did. And He saved me from myself. He drew me with the most powerful love I've ever known. A love that binds me to Him. A love that will never let go of me. And by His grace, I'll never let go of Him.

from April 23, 2003

I suppose what I want to say is that I've fallen for you. Yes, I know, it was a foolish thing to have done - but being sensible has never been my strong point.

I know that I often tell you one thing and then contradict myself by my actions - but I guess it's all true and I'm having trouble deciding between the two. I know that I can't have both. And when I really think about the big picture - I'm telling you the truth. I'm just being selfish when I act the other way.

And there's the fact that you are so many things that I want. I've never had more in any other individual. But the things that are missing can't be overlooked. They can't be categorized in the "unimportant" or "I'll compromise" departments. I've tried to ignore the holes, but one day I'll get stuck in them, I know.

This doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with you - if we wanted to go down that road, I'm sure there's much more we could find wrong with me.

I just can't sell myself short. I just can't ignore that there's an eternity I'm headed for - and I want to be ready for it. And that might mean saying goodbye to you.

I don't want to say goodbye for good. But being "just friends" might too much to ask, or might get complicated.

Please say you'll stay.

I know I can be very selfish. And I know I'm being selfish asking what I'm asking. If you feel I'm asking too much, tell me, and I'll start trying to forget.

But you see, that's the thing - I don't want to forget you.

Maybe it's because you entered into my life when the comfortable world I'd built around myself had fallen apart.

Maybe it's because I worry about you - because I always worry.

Maybe it's because I'm afraid for you. And I want you to know that someone does care for you, and is concerned, and wants to know.

Maybe it's because I'm convinced one day you'll open up, and I want to be there for it.

Maybe it's because of the things we've shared and I want them to always mean something.

In any case, whatever the reason - they all centre around what I want - and that's just me being selfish again.

And I want you to know all this - for many reasons, or maybe just one - so I'll feel better about the whole thing. And I know that's not fair. But none of this seems fair.

I don't know what I expect to gain from telling you all this (aside from satisfying my inherent need to pour my heart out to every individual I spend a significant amount of time with) and I don't know how you feel - so maybe this means little or nothing to you. Maybe I've messed things up too badly already.

So, do what you will with your new-found intelligence on the matters of my heart. I've been trying not to expect anything from you - and I will continue down that path.

You may question - why this? Why now? Well, the threat of you leaving - with no guarantee of a reunion - got me thinking. And boy, do I get myself into trouble when I start thinking. And then I suppose I realized why I can't seem to let you go - refer back to the confession at the beginning.

And I want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for any confusion or irritation I've caused you. My motives were often self-serving.

And trust me - it bothers me too that I'm such a girl and that I need so much affirmation and long for acceptance. But hey, I'm trying to work on it. And then there's the fact that I'm overly open - but I don't know that I want that to change.

So, this is goodbye - and I'll say "keep in touch" and hope against reality that we actually will.

**Disclaimer**

I don't remember who this was directed to, and all the angst made me chuckle - hence why I felt safe to share.

from yesterday

I know that if I really got how much God loves me I would live differently.

My life would look different if I was better at receiving that love.

And so, I wonder - how would life look? 'Cause I want to start living it.

So far, I get that I would give more.

More of myself, more of my time, even more of my money.

That's a start.

from some time in October, 1996

Autumn

And I love the smell of the wind

and rain in the warm air.

Or the smell of the cold like winter.

I am happy in my solitude

Nothing to hinder the sound of leaves to my ears.

Nothing to steal the mist from my face.

And though there are no stars

darkness doesn’t surround me.

His light is with me always.

I am humbled by the power that surrounds me.

The wind the cold and the rain.

from some time in October, 1997

CF - ZMV

My stomach was a butterfly

Before I even left the ground.

And then -

There I was, suspended somehow,

Above the earth.

Quickly the objects below

Became toys

And I felt as though I could

Reach down

And play with each one.

At times, under me

There was a map of a town,

But the maps gave way

To patch-work quilts,

And then to multi-coloured bedspreads.

I loved that I could see

How shallow became deep,

And watch the roads like

Ant tracks wind

Beneath me.

Then it was my turn

To take control…

There were no lines,

No guard rails,

Only the horizon to guide.

It was over all too soon,

But not before I saw

The sun lie down

Behind the hills.

from Thursday, December 10th, 2008

And what of longing...

Sometimes what I desire is exactly what I have - and I am so thankful for those times. Even now, I have a granny smith apple and I'm excited about it - 'cause it's what I want, really.

There are so many other times that I long for things I don't have - and if they happen to be material, I beat myself up for not being "spiritual" enough and convince myself I have to read my Bible more and pray more and then these carnal feelings will go away...

I will tell Him that I know He will satisfy my longings and acknowledge that only He can. But then, I wonder - if He loves me so much, why doesn't He? There are still things I want in my heart that won't go away - even with all my attempts at renouncing them and "laying them at the foot of the cross" - (what does that mean, anyway?)

But who would I be without longing? Who would any of us be?

We'd stall.

We have an eternity to see our desires fulfilled - but what would happen if before we got there we stopped longing?

I think I still have to check my desires - see what's behind them.

But I'll not beat myself up for longing.

I will not silence it - would that not be to murder my heart?

And isn't that what He wants from me - my heart?