from April 23, 2003

I suppose what I want to say is that I've fallen for you. Yes, I know, it was a foolish thing to have done - but being sensible has never been my strong point.

I know that I often tell you one thing and then contradict myself by my actions - but I guess it's all true and I'm having trouble deciding between the two. I know that I can't have both. And when I really think about the big picture - I'm telling you the truth. I'm just being selfish when I act the other way.

And there's the fact that you are so many things that I want. I've never had more in any other individual. But the things that are missing can't be overlooked. They can't be categorized in the "unimportant" or "I'll compromise" departments. I've tried to ignore the holes, but one day I'll get stuck in them, I know.

This doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with you - if we wanted to go down that road, I'm sure there's much more we could find wrong with me.

I just can't sell myself short. I just can't ignore that there's an eternity I'm headed for - and I want to be ready for it. And that might mean saying goodbye to you.

I don't want to say goodbye for good. But being "just friends" might too much to ask, or might get complicated.

Please say you'll stay.

I know I can be very selfish. And I know I'm being selfish asking what I'm asking. If you feel I'm asking too much, tell me, and I'll start trying to forget.

But you see, that's the thing - I don't want to forget you.

Maybe it's because you entered into my life when the comfortable world I'd built around myself had fallen apart.

Maybe it's because I worry about you - because I always worry.

Maybe it's because I'm afraid for you. And I want you to know that someone does care for you, and is concerned, and wants to know.

Maybe it's because I'm convinced one day you'll open up, and I want to be there for it.

Maybe it's because of the things we've shared and I want them to always mean something.

In any case, whatever the reason - they all centre around what I want - and that's just me being selfish again.

And I want you to know all this - for many reasons, or maybe just one - so I'll feel better about the whole thing. And I know that's not fair. But none of this seems fair.

I don't know what I expect to gain from telling you all this (aside from satisfying my inherent need to pour my heart out to every individual I spend a significant amount of time with) and I don't know how you feel - so maybe this means little or nothing to you. Maybe I've messed things up too badly already.

So, do what you will with your new-found intelligence on the matters of my heart. I've been trying not to expect anything from you - and I will continue down that path.

You may question - why this? Why now? Well, the threat of you leaving - with no guarantee of a reunion - got me thinking. And boy, do I get myself into trouble when I start thinking. And then I suppose I realized why I can't seem to let you go - refer back to the confession at the beginning.

And I want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for any confusion or irritation I've caused you. My motives were often self-serving.

And trust me - it bothers me too that I'm such a girl and that I need so much affirmation and long for acceptance. But hey, I'm trying to work on it. And then there's the fact that I'm overly open - but I don't know that I want that to change.

So, this is goodbye - and I'll say "keep in touch" and hope against reality that we actually will.

**Disclaimer**

I don't remember who this was directed to, and all the angst made me chuckle - hence why I felt safe to share.

from yesterday

I know that if I really got how much God loves me I would live differently.

My life would look different if I was better at receiving that love.

And so, I wonder - how would life look? 'Cause I want to start living it.

So far, I get that I would give more.

More of myself, more of my time, even more of my money.

That's a start.

from some time in October, 1996

Autumn

And I love the smell of the wind

and rain in the warm air.

Or the smell of the cold like winter.

I am happy in my solitude

Nothing to hinder the sound of leaves to my ears.

Nothing to steal the mist from my face.

And though there are no stars

darkness doesn’t surround me.

His light is with me always.

I am humbled by the power that surrounds me.

The wind the cold and the rain.

from some time in October, 1997

CF - ZMV

My stomach was a butterfly

Before I even left the ground.

And then -

There I was, suspended somehow,

Above the earth.

Quickly the objects below

Became toys

And I felt as though I could

Reach down

And play with each one.

At times, under me

There was a map of a town,

But the maps gave way

To patch-work quilts,

And then to multi-coloured bedspreads.

I loved that I could see

How shallow became deep,

And watch the roads like

Ant tracks wind

Beneath me.

Then it was my turn

To take control…

There were no lines,

No guard rails,

Only the horizon to guide.

It was over all too soon,

But not before I saw

The sun lie down

Behind the hills.

from Thursday, December 10th, 2008

And what of longing...

Sometimes what I desire is exactly what I have - and I am so thankful for those times. Even now, I have a granny smith apple and I'm excited about it - 'cause it's what I want, really.

There are so many other times that I long for things I don't have - and if they happen to be material, I beat myself up for not being "spiritual" enough and convince myself I have to read my Bible more and pray more and then these carnal feelings will go away...

I will tell Him that I know He will satisfy my longings and acknowledge that only He can. But then, I wonder - if He loves me so much, why doesn't He? There are still things I want in my heart that won't go away - even with all my attempts at renouncing them and "laying them at the foot of the cross" - (what does that mean, anyway?)

But who would I be without longing? Who would any of us be?

We'd stall.

We have an eternity to see our desires fulfilled - but what would happen if before we got there we stopped longing?

I think I still have to check my desires - see what's behind them.

But I'll not beat myself up for longing.

I will not silence it - would that not be to murder my heart?

And isn't that what He wants from me - my heart?

from Monday, December 29th, 2009

So, living in eternity - separate from time, where there is no night...... Does it mean that any task, or anything we have to do will be done without interruption? Once begun, it will be completed. Will we never leave off a project saying - "I wish I had more time." Or be forced to part company only having scratched the surface of friendship?

from Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

So, I wonder who will be present as I emerge from the Big Sad that has so long been a part of my life. Do I already know the characters? - though I couldn't be certain of the part they'll play.

For there will be an emergence.

A victory of sorts - discovering what it is to lay hold of what is really life and not merely survive.

Disclaimer

** I was once a very sad girl. I would no longer use the words sad or lonely to describe myself. The emergence has long since begun:) **

from Thursday, December 25th, 2008

And so, what if we let go of thinking we know people and started letting them show us who they are.

I wonder, how can you ever really know someone? Maybe you can't, fully... But this is not a cause for lament - it's actually more a cause for excitement. An opportunity to always learn more. Not that you can't attain a certain level of comfortableness (my word ?) with another - but too much comfort is an enemy of the soul perhaps.

It was only when I started to let go of my stringently held beliefs about God that I began to learn who He really is.