I know that I often tell you one thing and then contradict myself by my actions - but I guess it's all true and I'm having trouble deciding between the two. I know that I can't have both. And when I really think about the big picture - I'm telling you the truth. I'm just being selfish when I act the other way.
And there's the fact that you are so many things that I want. I've never had more in any other individual. But the things that are missing can't be overlooked. They can't be categorized in the "unimportant" or "I'll compromise" departments. I've tried to ignore the holes, but one day I'll get stuck in them, I know.
This doesn't mean that there's something "wrong" with you - if we wanted to go down that road, I'm sure there's much more we could find wrong with me.
I just can't sell myself short. I just can't ignore that there's an eternity I'm headed for - and I want to be ready for it. And that might mean saying goodbye to you.
I don't want to say goodbye for good. But being "just friends" might too much to ask, or might get complicated.
Please say you'll stay.
I know I can be very selfish. And I know I'm being selfish asking what I'm asking. If you feel I'm asking too much, tell me, and I'll start trying to forget.
But you see, that's the thing - I don't want to forget you.
Maybe it's because you entered into my life when the comfortable world I'd built around myself had fallen apart.
Maybe it's because I worry about you - because I always worry.
Maybe it's because I'm afraid for you. And I want you to know that someone does care for you, and is concerned, and wants to know.
Maybe it's because I'm convinced one day you'll open up, and I want to be there for it.
Maybe it's because of the things we've shared and I want them to always mean something.
In any case, whatever the reason - they all centre around what I want - and that's just me being selfish again.
And I want you to know all this - for many reasons, or maybe just one - so I'll feel better about the whole thing. And I know that's not fair. But none of this seems fair.
I don't know what I expect to gain from telling you all this (aside from satisfying my inherent need to pour my heart out to every individual I spend a significant amount of time with) and I don't know how you feel - so maybe this means little or nothing to you. Maybe I've messed things up too badly already.
So, do what you will with your new-found intelligence on the matters of my heart. I've been trying not to expect anything from you - and I will continue down that path.
You may question - why this? Why now? Well, the threat of you leaving - with no guarantee of a reunion - got me thinking. And boy, do I get myself into trouble when I start thinking. And then I suppose I realized why I can't seem to let you go - refer back to the confession at the beginning.
And I want to say I'm sorry. Sorry for any confusion or irritation I've caused you. My motives were often self-serving.
And trust me - it bothers me too that I'm such a girl and that I need so much affirmation and long for acceptance. But hey, I'm trying to work on it. And then there's the fact that I'm overly open - but I don't know that I want that to change.
So, this is goodbye - and I'll say "keep in touch" and hope against reality that we actually will.
**Disclaimer**
I don't remember who this was directed to, and all the angst made me chuckle - hence why I felt safe to share.
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